Friday 15 January 2016 by Neil Tollfree

Not drinking in January a terrible idea confirms everyone not drinking in January


unhappy man

Everyone who has pledged to have a dry January has confirmed that it’s a fundamentally terrible idea.

“Seriously, f**k this,” said High Court Judge Jeremy St John-Marquis.

“I’m normally on my second can by the time the train home leaves the station. I don’t know what I was thinking. Quite how I thought that life in modern Britain and sobriety are in some way compatible completely eludes me.”

“Ah well, only two weeks to go and I can cop a pleasant four can buzz until Christmas.”

The trend for ‘Dry January’ has increased over the past few years amongst the sort of credulous buffoons who believe that bread gives you Ebola and think that Goji berries can cure death, bring about world peace, and raise local house prices.

“It’s basically terrible,” said office drone Simon Williams

“I used to think I enjoyed my job and had a pleasant family life, but ever since I stopped drinking two weeks ago I just want to spend every waking moment crying.

“The reality of the world around us incredibly depressing when viewed without a lens made of alcohol.”

However, some people have found coping mechanisms for getting through the month.

“Yes, I confess I would have found not drinking heavily on a daily basis a tad tricky,” said Reverend Andrew Costello of the parish of Shoreham-by-Sea.

“Happily, I’ve an enormous stash of Crack Cocaine to get me through.”

Officials are urging people to abandon their Dry January challenges and start drinking again to prevent a complete breakdown of society.

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