Thursday 14 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Alan Rickman cuts out Grim Reaper’s heart with a spoon


Alan Rickman

The late Alan Rickman has set about the face of death with some silverware.

The so-called Grim Reaper continued his utterly shite run of form in 2016 by taking the soul of the man who played Hans Gruber, Professor Snape and The Sheriff of Nottingham – literally the only outstanding thing in an otherwise middling version of Robin Hood.

“I took his arm to lead him away,” said a visibly shaken grim reaper, “and he looked at me, brandished the spoon and said ‘I am going to count to three, there will not be a four’, which I just laughed at.

“And then he leapt on me and jabbed a spoon right through my chest.

“He dug and dug until he scooped my heart clean out. I was in shock; I didn’t realise I HAD a heart.

“Then he held it up to my face and said ‘Yippee Kay-Yay, Motherfucker’.

“I knew we should have frisked him on the way in; this is the guy who nearly killed Bruce Willis.

“That was a movie? Oh right. Well I feel less bad for enjoying it now I suppose.

“Between this and that Bowie bloke smashing a guitar over my head, it’s been a strangely violent week for me.

“Serves me right for fucking with the half-blood prince, I suppose.”

When questioned, Rickman replied with “because it’s blunt, you twit, it hurts more” before smiling, dropping the spoon and stepping over the reaper’s broken body to walk unaided into the light.

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