Monday 11 January 2016 by Spacey

Nation speculating on sort of arseholes that won the lottery


Lottery winners

People who didn’t win the weekend’s lottery have been quick to wonder what sort of aresholes got to share the £66m.

The identity of the jackpot winners hasn’t been revealed yet, but according to early rumours they will almost certainly be a wanker, and richer than Robbie Williams and George Michael.

“I’m glad I didn’t win it actually,” revealed 35 year-old Gail Smithson ripping up her ticket.

“It’s a vulgar amount of money, and whoever has won it will undoubtedly be an undeserving twat who will probably spend all the money on Argos jewellery and tracksuits.”

“Money can’t buy you taste you know, no matter how many chrome Bentley’s you invest in.”

“I just thank God I can return to my totally soul-destroying job on Monday.”

A Camelot spokesperson revealed that they were looking forward to welcoming the winners into the Lottery Millionaires Club.

The spokesman told reporters, “So far the lottery has created over 5,000 overnight loathsome pricks that everyone hates.”

“We look forward to welcoming this latest obscenely wealthy dickhead with open arms, no doubt to the catcalls of an entire nation.”

Other lottery ticket holders have also expressed their disappointment at not scooping the enormous jackpot.

“I was relying on that money to get me out of a bit of a mess that I’ve made,” revealed Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.

“Now, where’s that copy of the Sporting Life, so I can work on Plan C.”

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