Thursday 7 January 2016 by Mike Ryder

Missing man found after a week was ‘talking to CrossFit enthusiast’


man caught in Crossfit conversation

A man reported missing over a week ago has been found in his local 24-hour supermarket desperately trying to escape a conversation with a CrossFit enthusiast.

Simon Williams, 35, is said to be alive and well despite his ordeal, and is looking forward to returning to his family.

“I only said ‘excuse me’,” explained Simon Williams, who was clearly shaken by his experience.

“He was in the way of the bananas and he just turned around and said ‘I do CrossFit, you should definitely try it’.

“I didn’t know what this ‘CrossFit’ was, so I asked him about it – and my God how I wish I hadn’t.

“It feels like I’ve been away for a thousand years. I’ve missed my cat’s birthday, and I hope to God I still have a job.

“I wanted to leave, many, many times, but he just kept going on about circuits and squats and the exceptional benefits of something called plyometrics.

“I didn’t think it possible someone could spend 15 hours extolling the virtues of what honestly just sounds like ‘jumping on and off a box, repeatedly’.

“All I can say is it sounds exhausting, but not as exhausting the number of potential techniques apparently available to someone who just wants to jump on and off a box.”

Police say Mr Williams has now been returned to his family and are advising the public to stay safe by avoiding anyone in a vest and shorts, anyone discussing the benefits of juicing, or those who have recently been seen buying kale.

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