Monday 4 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

January birthday recipients brace for disappointing gifts


Crap presents

People born in January are wearily prepared for the overly modest gifts they are about to receive.

With the nation’s wallets still weeping after the season of material goods, those unfortunate souls brought to life in the month of January are bracing for a range of gifts all coming in at around the five-pound mark.

“January 15th,” sighed Ellie Green, “hooray for me.

“Last year my boyfriend got me a shoe horn and the latest issue of What Car magazine.

“I wouldn’t mind but he bought me a cactus and a can of anti-freeze for Christmas, and it’s been so bloody mild that I’ve not even had cause to use the latter.

“I would suggest he doesn’t really care, but that would be devastating to this whole denial thing I’ve got going on.

Green’s boyfriend, Simon Williams, said, “Look, I’m not made of money, and I’ve got an absolutely ferocious gambling habit to support.

“It’s not my fault she was born in January. If she was born in June like the rest of us then it wouldn’t be a problem.”

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