Monday 4 January 2016 by Lucas Wilde

Dog confirms it would never wear trousers


Dog in trousers

A Labrador has confirmed that the question as to how he would wear trousers is utterly redundant.

Trevor Newland, a 10 year-old chocolate Labrador from Scunthorpe, made the statement after seeing his tediously moronic owner share the post on Facebook.

“The question begins ‘if a dog wore trousers’, which is stupid” said Newland.

“There is no ‘if’. It’s moot. I’m a fucking dog. I would never, ever wear trousers. That’s one of the best bits.

“And even if I did, pray tell me how would I put the things on? I’m not sure if you’ve glanced at a dog before, but our bodies aren’t really built for that process.

“The closest I’ve ever come to wearing clothes is when the human dressed me up as a fireman for Halloween; which is ironic really as following that evening, I would happily leave her to die in a fire.

“Anyway… If you could all just stop this nonsense, we’d all appreciate it. As things stand, we’re all planning a synchronised bowel movement over your favourite books.”

Newland’s owner, Samantha Holmes, said “I reckon my little Trevor would wear trousers the same way his mummy does; on his hind legs. He’s such a clever little boy, aren’t you, Trev-Trev?”

“Kill me” pleaded Newland.

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