Friday 1 January 2016 by Spacey

2016 already shit


New Year already shit

With the new year only a few hours old, early indications have revealed that 2016 is already failing to live up to expectations.

The realisation that everything is still shit has come as a disappointment to millions of people who’ve woken this morning to discover that they haven’t crossed over into a magical paradise full of joy and prosperity.

“I was full of optimism on New Year’s Eve,” revealed Simon Williams.

“I’d felt sure I’d get a brilliant new job and find the girl of my dreams but I woke up to discover I’d followed through during the night and I still support Aston Villa.

“Somehow my future seems a lot bleaker than it did yesterday.”

54 year-old Miriam Dalton has spent the morning trying to comprehend why she still has an online bingo addiction and spiralling debt.

“As I watched the spectacular fireworks display from the banks of the River Thames I remember feeling incredibly positive about what lay in store for me in 2016,” she said.

“However, It seems I still face the prospect of having my house repossessed and I’m still very, very, very lonely.

“Roll on 2017!” she added letting off a party popper.

Others have revealed their continued suffering as people use the new year as an opportunity to review their lifestyle choices.

“The wife has decided to give up smoking,” 45 year-old Graham Jennings told us.

“A few hours in and she’s irritable, irrational, red-faced and aggressive.

“It’s like being married to David Cameron taking part in a non-stop PMQs.

“2016 has already been the worst year of my life.”

Experts have revealed that blind optimism being replaced by hate-fuelled pessimism is not uncommon at this time of year.

“At the end of the year people will reassess their lives and pinpoint what changes need to be made,” explained one leading expert in this sort of thing.

“These changes often require both physical and mental strength to achieve.

“My advice would be to forget it.

“There’s always next year.”

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