Thursday 31 December 2015

Lynton Crosby to be knighted for services to making bastards electable


Lynton Crosby

Conservative strategist Lynton Crosby is to be knighted for his incredible services to the world of making utter bastards seem electable.

The New Year’s Honours list includes the Tory party strategist and he will become Sir Lynton in a move that is sure to give hope to turd-polishers everywhere.

Crosby is being recognised for his ‘public service’, a definition which now seems to include being paid ridiculous amounts of money to win elections.

Political commentator David Walden-Smythe told us, “In the world of earning half a million quid a year, to spend millions of pounds convincing tens of millions of voters that David Cameron and George Osborne aren’t total shits, then Lynton a God.”

“Seriously, there is no-one better at doing that – so if that makes him eligible for a knighthood, so be it.”

The knighthood for Crosby hasn’t surprised all voters.

Non-moron Simon Williams said, “I’m guessing there have been a few backroom meetings where Lynton Crosby has convinced the government that getting him knighted is a strategic masterstroke.”

“Though to be fair, if helping the Tories get elected sees you knighted, surely we should be talking about Sir Ed Miliband?”

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