Thursday 24 December 2015 by Neil Tollfree

José Mourinho to replace God


Jose Mourinho to replace God

Ex-Chelsea manager José Mourinho has revealed that he has been offered the position of God and intends to start in the New Year.

“It is big honour for me,” said the prickly Portuguese.

“But is bigger honour for whole of mankind to have Special One in charge. I hope to return human race to former glories.”

Mourinho had been linked with the position of God ever since God resigned following a disappointing 4.5 billion years in charge that saw countless wars, devastating famines, natural disasters, itchy jumpers, and the Transformers film franchise – particularly the second one.

Whilst he won’t be in charge for what is traditionally a tricky Christmas period, Mr Mourinho is expected to be watching closely how the human race performs with a view to making any changes in the New Year.

The news has largely been greeted warmly by fans of the human race.

“Well, it’s a new boss for me, which will be a challenge,” said Pope Francis in response to the appointment.

“But I’m excited to see what a younger man can do, and he’ll certainly have my full support with whatever ideas he tries to introduce.”

Mr Mourinho is expected to do pretty well for a few years and then fall out with the whole of humanity and be replaced by Carlo Ancelotti.

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