Tuesday 22 December 2015 by Waylandsmithy

Jeremy Kyle blamed for Cilla Black’s death


Jeremy Kyle

Moron-whisperer Jeremy Kyle has been linked to the death of Cilla Black, following revelations by her son.

Cilla’s final moments were spent on a champagne-fuelled television-viewing session, during which Kyle slowly killed-off a little part of her humanity.

“It’s almost the perfect crime,” said PC Wayne Tusk. “He sucks the life-force out of anyone who happens to be watching – but you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“A bit like that man with no nose in Harry Potter, but with sofas, and a stronger focus on teen pregnancies.”

Cilla Black was no stranger to jaw-droppingly shit television, but she used its mediocrity for good, rather than evil.

“The big difference between my mum and Kyle is that her shows encouraged morons to be happy, and to breed,” claimed her son Robert, “whereas Kyle just makes them feel bad about knocking up their partner’s slightly stupider sister.”

Kyle was taken in for questioning by police, who called him ‘a silly, stupid little boy’ in front of a baying audience of awful trolls.

He’s expected to plead ‘sorry’ and be sentenced to a tearful hug, when the results of the lie detector are announced.

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