Tuesday 22 December 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Brits still drinking like goddamn champions, confirms NHS


Drinking

The British are still cracking through an objectively impressive amount of alcohol.

The NHS has confirmed that A&E visits for alcohol poisoning have doubled in the last six years, mainly thanks to cheaper alcohol, high-stress working environments and the general mood in the North of England.

“It is pretty heroic,” confirmed Dr. Simon Williams of Glasgow Central Hospital.

“We’ve had one girl been in three times in the last six months. How she has any stomach lining left I really don’t know, but her dedication to the sport of drinking is unparalleled.

“Her desire to keep drinking ahead of her desire to stay alive is the kind of thing Hollywood blockbusters are made of.

“Rocky may have been a tough boxer, but I doubt he could cope with a night of 3 for 1 trebles, Sambuca gas chambers and tequila slammers and STILL come out on top in a fight in a pub car park.”

Some health experts have suggested that Britain might want to have a few soft drinks over the Christmas period, just to give their liver a fighting chance between bouts of scotch.

“Well I suggest they shove that suggestion up their arse,” countered Felicity Whatsapp, a woman from Surrey who drinks a bottle of wine a night but definitely doesn’t have a problem.

“This is the one time of year that I can drink in the morning without HR getting involved, so I’ll be taking full advantage if you don’t mind.

“And I’ll have a hospital bed near the window, please.”

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