Monday 21 December 2015 by Lucas Wilde

‘It’s continuing to look fuck-all like Christmas’ confirms weatherman


Christmas weather

The weather is going to keep being wrong for this time of year, according to a local meteorologist.

Local weatherman, Simon Williams, confirmed that not only do you have zero chance of a white Christmas, but you probably won’t even need a scarf.

“You know how the weather is towards the end of August when all of the joy has gone? Basically that,” confirmed Williams.

“You’ll be able to go for your traditional Christmas walk wearing shorts and a t-shirt and you won’t even die.

“One of my neighbours is actually planning a ‘Christmas barbecue’, which I’m pretty sure is offensive, I’m just trying to work out how.”

Members of the public have been left annoyed by God’s reluctance to give them appropriate weather.

“I bought a brand new coat,” moaned woman, Eleanor Rosebud.

“And the one time I’ve worn it so far, I was sweating my bollocks off by the time I’d got to the end of my driveway.

“So now I’ve got a useless and expensive coat that I can’t ever use again, as I’ll be buying another one next year so as not to look like the kind of scum that can’t afford coats.”

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