Thursday 17 December 2015 by Tom Whalley

Cuadrilla to be the name of the monster released by fracking


Fracking in Blackpool

Executives at fracking firm, Cuadrilla have announced that the company name will also be used to refer to the giant lizard that will inevitably be released when they start fracking the hell out of Britain.

The company is celebrating after winning partial backing to frack at the Roseacre Wood site in Lancashire.

If the company receive the go-ahead they hope to pump chemicals into the ground beneath the site and summon a giant monster from the depths.

Speaking at a meeting of shareholders, a company spokesperson told the jubilant bastards, “We hope to begin the process of fracking by the end of the summer.

“If that happens then the small tremors caused during trials should become giant quakes that split open the earth.

“Then the mutant Cuadrilla will rise from his ancient slumber to rain destruction upon us all. We’re working on the time scale that this will happen just in time for Christmas.”

Green campaigners oppose fracking on the grounds that it may cause water pollution in the area, as well as bringing increased traffic.

Responding to those claims, a Cuadrilla spokesman said, “Water pollution? That’s the least of your worries, mate.

“You won’t be moaning about your water when Cuadrilla battles Mothra and Mechagodzilla in the skies above Preston.

“You’ll be too busy being incinerated by the laser beams he emits from his eyes.

“It’ll be worse than that big dinosaur from the Chewits advert.”

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