Thursday 17 December 2015 by Luke Heppenstall

Christians announce new Bible installment as Christmas set to be overshadowed by Star Wars


Bible reboot

Leading figures in the Christian Church have today revealed plans to reboot their biggest hit, ‘The Bible’, as they look to be overshadowed by rival franchise Star Wars this winter.

Despite being riddled with plot-holes and inconsistencies, the self-styled “Good Book” has been deeply influential in pop culture over the past few millennia and looks to reinvigorate its former success following a decline in recent years.

“We always thought the previous edition ended rather abruptly, leaving readers with more questions than they started. A reboot was basically necessary,” pontificated Church of England Archbishop Jeremy Wallaby.

“Peter and John’s ongoing will-they-won’t-they relationship seems to be both a loose end and a fan favourite, if the fanfiction is anything to go on. And of course, there’s always the issue of the second coming.”

Despite announcements that many former characters will be returning, including John The Baptist, Isaiah and a promised cameo from classic baddie Herod, ex-protagonist Jesus Christwalker has been markedly absent from publicity material, leading many to speculate that he may have turned to the “Dark Side”.

“I always knew he had it in him,” said apple-farmer and lifelong churchgoer Francesca Wood, “ever since that scene in the desert with Satan. I always thought the whole ascension thing was just a cop out.”

Speaking exclusively to NewsThump, Pontiff Pope Frank III said, “Well, it worked before”, alluding to the series’ previous reboot which smashed First-Century box-office records and quickly outsold the previous saga.

But the so-called “New” Testament has since proved deeply divisive and alienated much of the former fanbase, with some citing the installment’s “over-reliance” on special effects.

“Where even is the storyline in Revelations?” asks disgruntled fan Steve Speedo, while others took issue with Jesus’ irritating cast of buffoon-like sidekicks, alleging they are only there for merchandising purposes.

The announcement has been largely well-received by fans, with Revd. Alfred Parker, professional Jesus impersonator, saying, “The Bible had such a big influence on me growing up, I can’t wait to see all my old favourites back in action.

“I’m excited about the new characters they’re going to introduce too – apparently they’ve promised to put in some women who aren’t just prostitutes, mothers or pure evil.”

But many others remain cynical, with Scott Wallis, alter-builder, calling the reboot “an unapologetic cash-grab” and saying the Star Wars-Christianity rivalry was just “a soulless corporate enterprise” over who gets most of our money in the December period.

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