Saturday 12 December 2015

Nation mourns as dream of seeing Piers Morgan in prison finally dies


Piers Morgan

The nation is today mourning the dream that Piers Morgan will go to prison, after the Crown Prosecution Service announced their investigation into phone hacking was coming to an end.

The CPS said there was “insufficient evidence” to prosecute Morgan, despite what they described as “unprecedented public support” for the move.

A spokesperson explained, “The downside of living in a society where documented evidence is required to put people in prison, is that absolutely everyone knowing they did it simply isn’t enough.”

“We have looked at everything, and there simply isn’t quite enough of Morgan’s finger prints on anything – such is the way our courts work. We know it’s shit, but that’s the world we live in.”

In a harrowing turn of events, Morgan himself welcomed the news that he would not be prosecuted as if he somehow thinks this means people will suddenly think he’s innocent of phone hacking.

As one man on the street told us, “This is a terrible day. Absolutely horrible. I can’t believe the dream is dead. It was so alive only yesterday, and now it’s… just gone?”

However others said that although the dream of Piers Morgan going to prison is dead, its memory would live on through those it touched.

Dreamer Simon Williams explained, “Look, I’m not a judge or a jury, so there’s no legal requirement for me to consider someone innocent until proven guilty.”

“You only have to look at Piers Morgan’s smug face to know he did it.”

“You know he did it, I know he did it, it’s just that the CPS and the police in their infinite ineptitude haven’t been able to find any actual evidence.”

“Shame on them, bloody dream killers.”

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