Friday 11 December 2015 By DavyWavy and Jo

Jamaican grandma to lead British diplomacy as she’s downright terrifying


Jamaican Grandma

Britain is to be represented by a Jamaican grandma in future international negotiations because she’s downright terrifying, the government has announced.

71-year old Adele Hopkins from Brixton has been taking no shit from her family or her neighbours for forty years and the government has decided some of that would really help.

The decision was reached after Adele attended a bilateral meeting with the Russians over their recent incursions into the Ukraine because nobody dared tell her she couldn’t.

“Just when it looked like talks were going to break down she grabbed Vladimir Putin by the ear and matched him off into a corner,” a Foreign Office spokesman told us.

“I couldn’t hear what she said, but after five minutes of furious whispering he came back staring at his feet, apologised for all that invading and promised not to do it again.

“Then she cleaned his face with spit on a hanky and he just sat there and took it.

“It was the best day of my life.”

Government officials have promptly lined up meetings between Adele and Angela Merkel, Bashar al-Assad and Kim Jong-un, which they believe will substantially alter the balance of international relations.

However, they are wary of letting her meet Barack Obama, who she has described as a ‘fine looking man’, and said she likes them tall.

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