Wednesday 9 December 2015 by Alex Webster

Money is once again an object, Cameron tells Northern flood victims


Cameron flooding

Money is once again an object, despite telling citizens of the Home Counties that it wasn’t when they were flooded last year

Mr Cameron has revised his policy towards flood funding to reflect the fact that the Tory heartland is no longer threatened.

“After a brief consultation with George Osborne, it has been brought to my attention that money is, in fact, quite valuable.

“We’ve had to go through hell to take all that money from the working poor, and we can’t afford to fritter it away on flood defences for areas that aren’t going to vote Tory anyway.

“Namely Scotland, Wales and the north of England. By an amazing coincidence these are also the places currently waist-deep in filthy water.

Conservative environmental spokesperson Simon Williams told reporters, “In the future there are plans for these areas to act as ‘sponge counties’ by absorbing excess water away from wealthier Conservative constituencies.

“Our experts have also come up with the ‘Waitrose Index’, where we calculate the number of Waitrose branches and mahogany sideboards in an area.

“The higher the ratio, the more chance of the emergency services being sent in.”

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