Tuesday 8 December 2015 by Thomas Gane

Woman spends hour a day on UKIP Twitter feed preparing for family Christmas


woman on laptop preparing for family Christmas

Bristol-based freelance writer Jennifer Stevens has stepped up her training schedule as she prepares to return home for a family Christmas in suburban Surrey.

In addition to purchasing presents and avoiding bank statements, Jennifer has taken up a strict diet of The Telegraph, UKIP and Britain First in preparation for conversations with her family.

“I know most of them vote Tory,” she told reporters, “and I have suspicions a few of them are UKIP. You just don’t get that in Bristol, so you can get blindsided if you don’t prepare.”

Jennifer feels she took last year’s hotly contested “gay couples should be allowed to adopt” bout on a split decision, but thinks the election will have given her extended family confidence.

Her brutal training schedule involves The Telegraph over breakfast, trawling through UKIP Twitter feeds at lunch, and a solid hour of Britain First’s comment section every evening.

She also drinks a glass of Bailey’s on the hour every hour to ensure inebriation doesn’t dull her fighting prowess.

Jennifer admitted she was looking forward to once again spending her evenings in Bristol’s many independent coffee shops having informed debates about socialist theory, but knows her training will pay off after the sixth red wine on Boxing Day.

“It’s gruelling,” she said, “but if you want to go twelve rounds with Uncle Jonty on the EU, or not get sucker punched early by Grandma Kate on Syrian Refugees, this is the dedication you need.”

Jennifer also stressed this wouldn’t be possible without her training partners, who surprise her once a day by calling unannounced and asking “so do you have a boyfriend yet?”, and “is there much money in freelance writing?”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt!

There are currently witterings below - why not add your own?

Previous post:

Next post: