Monday 7 December 2015 by DavyWavy

Jeremy Corbyn wakes in 1975 after terrible nightmare


Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn has woken up this morning to find himself in 1975 and the last 40 years have been just a terrible dream.

Describing his dream as ‘nightmarish’, Corbyn told of a wild and distorted vision of a future where the telephone network was run by the private sector and service improved beyond recognition.

“There was electricity every day, and the dead were routinely buried,” scoffed Corbyn over his Ready Brek, amazed at just how real the dream had seemed.

“And there were shops! Thousands of shops where people got to decide what to buy for themselves rather than be guided by the friendly hand of the wise and benevolent state!”

“Like that could actually happen,” he added with a chuckle.

Opening a pack of Spangles, Corbyn went on to tell his goggle-eyed and unbelieving comrades of his vision of the pathetic failure and miserable collapse of the Soviet Union, which as everyone knows is the shining hope for humanity.

“The only socialist countries were oppressive dictatorships run by madmen,” he told his disbelieving audience.

“And I spent my time cosying up to them, would you believe!”

“It was awful! My only friends were terrorists and people who called anyone who disagreed with them ‘scum’.”

Shaking his head at the absurd power of his own imagination, Corbyn has assured the other members of his commune that by the distant future year of 1990 the People’s Republic of Great Britain will be established as a socialist paradise.

Adopting a wise and reassuring tone, Jeremy concluded that if there was one thing he is certain of it is that given a straight choice between socialism and capitalism, the people will always vote for socialism, and Labour are sure to win the next election in 1979 with a huge majority by offering a clear, socialist alternative.

“Believe me, comrades,” he concluded, turning the calendar to 1976, “In the real world, the revolution will be any day now.”

At time of writing, it is believed Corbyn has fallen asleep in the shower.

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