Thursday 3 December 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Everything now completely fine


Happy people

Britain woke up this morning completely safe and free from terrorist molestation after Parliament yesterday voted to launch airstrikes in Syria.

“Well, that’s that Daesh mob taken care of then,” said Defence Secretary Michael Fallon after the vote.

“I’ll probably take the next few weeks off to be honest, my to-do list was pretty much ‘sort out Syria and ISIS,’ and now I’ve done that, I think I’ll just spend December eating Quality Street and drinking prosecco.”

The vote came at the end of a ten-hour debate which was judged a terrific success because lots of MPs got to go on television looking serious and sad, and there was hardly any use of the phrase ‘penis-breath’.

The Syrian mission began almost immediately, with the first sorties targeting some rubble.

“I’m pleased to announce that the first flights have been successful, there was a particularly large pile of rubble on the outskirts of Raqqa that we have managed to deteriorate into several smaller piles of rubble.

“I understand that many people may be disappointed that we are targeting rubble, but Russia and the US have been bombing Syria for ages, so there’s not much else there for us to have a go at.”

Meanwhile, the dentist and her family who lived in the large pile of rubble are said to be considering whether to move to the smaller pile of rubble or downsize to a hole in the ground.

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