Wednesday 2 December 2015

Vegans accused of torture as research shows vegetables feel pain


Vegans accused of torturing vegetables

Vegetables feel pain and mankind is torturing and killing millions of their kind every day, it has been claimed.

Until recently it had been assumed that life forms of a lower order such as vegetable produce do not have the central nervous systems capable of sensation or life as we understand it. But a new wave of political and environmental activists are calling on society to treat vegetables with the same regard as any other beings that feel pain.

Not to be confused with rational thought on the matter, proponents of the theory say that the mass murder of innocent vegetables is something that needs to be stopped.

Carrot anti-vivisectionist A.O Vridges said that the group’s theories are based on decades of pseudo-philosophical readings, combined with evidence such as the juice expelled from the vegetable pores looking like sweat, and the crunchy sound of a vegetable being cut sounding a little like a clicking sound that an annoying friend might make.

He said: “Sceptics say that we’re all madmen, but they’ve obviously never visited the killing fields of the Fens and witnessed first hand the trauma of a parsnip when it was uprooted from its home too quickly.

“If everything evolved from one-point back in history known as the big bang, and all sentient life grew from moments scattered throughout time, then might it not make sense that the ape and the turnip are common ancestors?”

Vridges said that harvest and Christmas are particularly brutal times of the year, when billions of vegetables including leeks, cauliflowers, and tomatoes are ripped from their vine or soil-based homes and family, with little warning.

From there, the individual vegetables are either taken straight to the factory, supermarket or restaurants, where they will meet death in a number of horrific and succulent ways. Ironically, the idea is even finding support from within the food preparation industry.

A vegetable chef spoke to us on the condition that his identity was kept anonymous, as he has faced previous allegations of horseradish sauce abuse.

Speaking shortly after despatching a family of runner beans in seconds, the hypocrite said: “There’s no doubt in my mind that vegetables are living things and they should be treated the same as any other food we eat.

“The only difference is that they’re still alive when we get them here, and that’s the real tragedy of my job.”

“I try and be humane in my killing, because I don’t want to be accused of cruelty like a battery hen farmer, for example. First thing I do when I get a box of Brussels sprouts is arrange them so they’ve all got room to breathe for a few hours, before I plunge them into the watery embrace of boiling death.

“Likewise, I always make sure that parsnips look their best by removing warts and hair, and I believe the vegetable appreciates the grooming service that I provide. I swear that some of them soften up slightly for me as I glide over their wrinkly form.”

Research for the idea that vegetables feel pain is actually based on journals from at least Tudor times, when lowly handmaidens compiled notes on cooking practices of vegetables in-between sustained periods of fighting tuberculosis and giving birth.

The idea gained further prominence when Darwin’s Theory of Evolution proved that living things could adapt and change over time due to external pressures from their environment. The theory was created when Darwin noticed the similarity between a Galapagos Island turtle and a large broccoli, from a certain angle anyway.

Now campaigners are looking to spread the word further to the millions of vegetable butchers reading pieces such as this, or eating fabulous vegetables from death portals such as AO’s vegetable cookbook.

Vridges added: “We live in a beautiful world and there’s no need for all this slaughter. We take daft photos of meals and post them online, we marvel at the natural world around us, and its beauty, and yet we are all still content to eat several kilos of mashed potato in one sitting.

“All we want is a little thought, a little restraint, and a little emotion. After all, who hasn’t wept at the death of an onion?”

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