Friday 27 November 2015 by DavyWavy

Black Friday sales offer discounts and bleak vision of post-apocalyptic future


Black Friday

Fat people will fight to the death for half-price televisions during the annual Black Friday gladiatorial contests today.

Like something out of Mad Max, the nation will watch the evening news in silent, awed horror as immense people do battle simply for the right to be first through the doors of their local supermarket, before rending each other tooth and nail over packs of discount Pringles.

The victors of these contests will win the right to pay slightly less for their groceries this once, before having to gird their loins again next year on the off chance they can pick up some marked-down Quality Street.

“Yeah, it’s not a laurel wreath and a bunch of dancing girls like you got in Roman times, but fifty percent off a flat screen telly is worth getting into a ruck for,” said shopper Simon Williams.

“Obviously I’ve got my pride and dignity so I’ll go and headbutt some git in the pork pie aisle in Tesco rather than Lidl. I’m not a complete loser, you know.”

“Ave Tesco! Consumenti te Salutant!”

A spokesman for the British retail consortium has announced they will be changing their motto to “Buy eternal, shiny and chrome 50% off.

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