Friday 27 November 2015 by Lucas Wilde

BBC Three to move to Bournemouth and wait for death


BBC Three moving

Moribund TV channel and shite-monger, BBC Three, is to retire somewhere nice and out the way.

“BBC2 for fuckwits” will spend its last day on the air broadcasting repeats of Don’t Tell the Bride, before quietly shuffling onto the same bus which took Bruce Forsythe away to Minehead and never came back.

“I’ve done my bit” said BBC Three, “I feel the nation is a little better off for my time on television; occupying morons who otherwise might be running with scissors or left in charge of a motor vehicle.”

“I was a little worried for them, but apparently there’s something called ‘YouTube’ now, which seems to let them actually be on television as well as watch it, which I’m quite glad to be missing, frankly.

“Bournemouth is lovely. I like it anyway; BBC Four went there on a weekend once and claimed it was a cultural wasteland, but he’s always had his head up his arse, to be honest.”

BBC Three is expected to spend its days in Bournemouth lounging on deckchairs, playing backgammon and scowling at young people before the grim reaper’s gentle caress finally arrives.

“I hope he likes Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps,” said an optimistic BBC Three.

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