Friday 27 November 2015 by DavyWavy

Alex Salmond misses Syria debate to stare lovingly at big picture of himself


Alex Salmond

SNP Foreign Affairs spokesman Alex Salmond missed the debate on Syria yesterday as he was too busy gazing adoringly at a picture of himself, reports indicate this morning.

Salmond, who has been intensely critical of MPs from other parties shirking their responsibilities, insisted that he was representing his constituents by gazing at the great big picture of Alex Salmond, which was also damned sexy even though he said so himself.

Members of other parties have suggested that maybe, just maybe, the large, expensive oil painting of Salmond might have waited for a few days, but the SNP hit back by saying that Syria wasn’t going anywhere and they could always talk about bombing it next week sometime once Alex is done.

“What people have to realise is that the recognition of my achievement in working my entire life for a referendum only to lose it clearly deserves recognition in the highest of artistic circles”, Salmond told us, his eyes flicking back to the picture every moment or two and his tongue sliding lovingly over his lips.

“Voters can wait”, he said. “Look at that lovely, lovely image. The skill, the beauty, the artistry. The grace and power.”

“It’s not a bad painting either.”

“Would you mind leaving me alone with it for a few minutes?”, he asked.

“I won’t take long. Just Alex and his picture…alone.”

Salmond then closed the door between himself and our correspondent, and the moaning began.

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