Wednesday 25 November 2015 by Neil Tolfree

Ghost of Christmas Present ‘probably won’t bother this year’


Ghost of Christmas present

Increased tensions in the Middle East, the rise of ISIS, a continued program of austerity; all these have led to an announcement by the Ghost of Christmas Present that he won’t bother this Christmas.

“To be honest, I’ll probably just stay home with some cans and watch the Bond film,” said the bearded, jolly, insubstantial symbol of moral equivocation.

“I mean, you have a look around the world at the moment, is there anything I can show an old miser to make him change his ways?

“That woman who spent four grand to look like Captain Jack Sparrow? I don’t think so mate.”

He then went on to reveal what could be expected this Christmas.

“A shirtless President Putin riding a bear in a fighter plane over Turkish airspace giving them all the finger.

“Bob Cratchit’s great, great, Grandson’s family all having to share a Findus Crispy Pancake for Christmas dinner.”

“And another poxy X-Factor number one.

“I show someone that lot, they’re just going to tell me they’re perfectly happy with their miser’s hoard, thank you very much and don’t let the door hit me in the arse on the way out.”

In response to the Ghost of Christmas Present’s announcement, the Ghost of Christmas Future has issued his own statement.

“You think it’s bad now, see what I’ve got to work with.”

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