Monday 23 November 2015 by Gary Stanton

Austerity necessary so I can spunk £200bn up the wall on wars, insists Osborne


George Osborne's military warchest

George Osborne has today confirmed that austerity was totally necessary in order to build up a £200bn anti-terror war chest.

The Chancellor claims an extra £200 billion is required to pummel the shit out of Syria, together with an extra five billion he found down the back of a sofa.

Osborne says the only way to defeat groups like ISIS is with more expensive bombs that produce a lot more smoke.

“If there’s one thing this job has taught me, it’s that you don’t solve a problem by throwing money at it,” he told us.

“Unless it’s a war.”

“It’s a different matter for those on the ‘front line’ of public services, which is why your Nan won’t be getting that new hip she was promised.”

Osborne has earmarked a further £20m for a terror attack warning system, which will be a new remix of Two Tribes by Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

“When Holly Johnson yells ‘Hurrrrgh!’ – you and your family must take cover,” Osborne warned.

He added, “We have yet to formulate an exit strategy for any of these forthcoming wars – that will cost more money.”

“But we do have one for your Nan.”

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