Friday 20 November 2015 by Lucas Wilde

‘No fucking chance mate’, say Abdelhamid Abaaoud’s 72 Virgins


72 virgins

The 72 virgins that some idiots think await dead ISIS members have told terrorist ringleader, Abdelhamid Abaaoud, to jog on. 

The women formed a coalition and made it perfectly clear that they would not be going near the murdering piece of shit.

“We’re alright, actually” said Tracey Stevens, one of the virgins.

“This is the afterlife which means we get to choose from all men ever, so I think I’ll perhaps wait a while longer and lose my virginity with someone who didn’t plan the murder of over a hundred innocent people.”

“Let us know if a proper man turns up, rather than a terrorist crap-stack. In the meantime, we have cats to feed.”

Abaaoud said “I don’t understand.”

“This was promised to me by a totally trustworthy bloke with an AK-47 and a balaclava. Are you seriously saying I did what I did for nothing?”

“Are you saying that I was brainwashed and manipulated by terrible people who took a peaceful religion and used it as a coathook on which to hang their hatred and insanity?”

“Are you- oh, you are?”

“Well, shit.”

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