Thursday 19 November 2015 by Tom Whalley

World not bothered about antibiotics not working because everyone has a juicer


Juices better than antibiotics

No-one is that bothered about the world being on the cusp of a “post-antibiotic era”, because we’ve all got juicers and can have a drink with Kale in it.

Scientists revealed the antibiotic crisis after finding bacteria resistant to the drugs normally used when all other treatments have failed.

Researchers say that the resistance to antibiotics would spread around the world and raised the spectre of untreatable infections, possibly plunging medicine back into the dark ages.

GP, Dr Steve Chettle, echoed these warnings.

“Do you know what medicine was like in the dark ages? They treated everything with leeches. If that didn’t work then they just tried casting a spell on you. It was marginally more effective than Homeopathy, but only just.”

However the general public are completely unworried about the developments because they got a nutribullet for their birthday and they’ve made a smoothie with a Kumquat and some spinach in it.

Self-styled ‘Juicer’, Ian Woan, told us, “I used to have high blood pressure and was on the verge of developing diabetes, but I drink something called an ‘Endless Energy Rainbow Dream Drink’ every morning and now I’m absolutely fine.”

“I have to buy so many blueberries that I can barely pay my rent, but I feel great.”

“The only symptoms I have now are that I’m absolutely unbearable to be around, and I recommend a vegetable juice drink to solve any problem I hear about from fatigue, to not being able to pay your credit card bill.”

“But I don’t think that’s a medical condition. Also, there’s probably a vegetable drink that can cure it.”

“I’m going to a juicing workshop later and I’ll bet they have a pamphlet on it.”

“Give me pamphlets and juicers over modern medicine any day.”

Increasingly, people are visiting ‘Juicing Gurus’ rather than Doctors who practice actual medicine and don’t think that ‘adjusting your vibe’ is a valid treatment for verucas.

Des Lytle calls himself Dr Juice-inator and he is insufferable.

“I had a patient come in here with an aggressive chest infection. I made him a drink with a load of strawberries and a turnip in it.”

“Never saw him again so I assume he’s definitely cured.”

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