Thursday 19 November 2015 by Sara Gibbs

Ken Livingstone ‘passes out’ holding breath after being forced to apologise


Ken Livingstone forced to apologise

Ken Livingstone has held his breath until he passed out after being forced to apologise and mean it.

Infamous disciplinarian, Jeremy Corbyn, who earlier this week faced criticism for his heavy handedness after sending Islamic State terrorists to the naughty step, issued Livingstone with the apology ultimatum after almost everything he said offended almost everybody.

The incident escalated throughout Wednesday evening as Livingstone gave a series of failed apologies.

Ken Livingstone explained, “I said I was sorry people felt that way, but apparently that wasn’t enough for Jeremy.”

“Then I said ‘sorry’, but the mic picked up my subsequent ‘not sorry’ even though I muttered it under my breath.”

“I tried again, but the cameras somehow caught me crossing my fingers behind my back. My fourth attempt apparently ‘sounded sarcastic’. There’s just no pleasing these lunatic mental patients.”

Sources close to Corbyn revealed that the embattled Labour leader issued a series of punishments in an attempt to make Livingstone shake hands and play nicely, including confiscating Livingstone’s BMX and sending him to his room without dinner.

On discovering he would be missing pizza night, Livingstone held his breath until he passed out.

Livingstone added, “Jeremy was out of order to take my BMX.”

“Am I supposed to get around on a bleeding Boris bike now? That pizza was a meat feast. Jezza’s vegetarian so I know he only got it to wind me up.”

“It hurt to hold my breath until I turned purple and collapsed, but it was still less painful than saying the word ‘sorr…’ ‘Sorr…’ Ah forget it.”

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