Tuesday 17 November 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Eric Cantona to kung fu kick the shit out of ISIS


Eric Cantona to take on ISIS

French footballing legend, Eric Cantona, is to be deployed in Syria on a mission to kick some fucking heads in.

Cantona, or “God” as he’s still known in parts of Manchester, will be parachuted into an ISIS stronghold armed with nothing but his feet.

“It’s going to be incredible” said defence expert, Simon Williams, “we’ve insisted that a camera crew goes with him as it’s going to make for a cracking bit of action.”

“Imagine all of the ‘Expendables’ movies were actually good, and then rolled into one. That’s what we’ve done here. And its name is Cantona.”

“Eric will be employing the same precision kicking that saw him score 82 goals for Manchester United, and if the going gets tough, he’ll be using that Kung Fu kick that got him put in prison for a bit.”

“You should have seen him in the training op; he kicked one poor sod’s head clean from his shoulders, before slowly turning with his arms raised to survey the joyous crowd around him.”

“War isn’t good for much, but Cantona is bloody brilliant for war.”

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