Monday 16 November 2015 by Gary Stanton

Singing of French National Anthem prompts fears of irregular verbs


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Fears are growing that several thousand England football fans are planning to murder the beautiful French language.

Plans to sing “The Marseillais” at Tuesday’s international, in a show of solidarity with the French, means English supporters have spent the entire weekend cramming.

Many are fearful they are being coaxed into a massive open air French oral exam with nowhere to hide.

With English proficiency in French on a par with that of a two year-old Rhesus monkey, most fans remain unable to order a simple piece of fruit from a market stall without calling the vendor’s mother a whore.

England fan, Simon Williams, said “Is it Le Marseillais or La Marseillais? Once I get the title sorted, I’ll probably hit the ground running.’

“Mais oui! Bien sûr..”

However, Simon’s brother Clive confidently belted out the line “Conduis, soutiens nos bras vengeurs!”

“Conduis – the imperative form of the verb conduire – ‘to lead,’ ” he added.

“It’s conjugation follows thus: Je conduis, tu conduis, il conduit, nous conduisons and so on..”

“Once you’ve had a board duster thrown directly at your face every Monday morning for five years by Professeur Lafayette – you never forget.”

As well as reciting verb tables for both “er”and “ir” verbs, England supporters have swotted up by practising the tricky French bit in Visage’s Fade To Grey video.

“Mon Dieu!,” remarked French president Francois Hollande. “Seriously, if you want to ‘um it, it is fine.”

Meanwhile, bedwetting terrorist arsehole, Ali Bashari, said, ‘The English are going to sing the French National anthem in French at a football stadium. Are you fucking kidding me?’

“Much like the English football team – we will never win.”

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