Monday 9 November 2015 by DavyWavy

Texan hipsters to open artisan oil refinery


Texas Hipsters

A group of Texan hipsters are to bring traditional hand-crafting skills and workmanship to the oil industry by opening an artisan refinery.

The new venture will lovingly process gasoline by hand from the liquefied remains of extinct prehistoric organisms.

Although the final product will be considerably more expensive than mass-produced petrol at the pump, the group assure customers that their product will be high-quality, ethically sourced from an Ecuadorian workers cooperative and will support local social initiatives rather than big business.

“I’ve got a real passion for processing light crude the old-fashioned way, one drop at a time in my kitchen like grandma used to do it,” Dallas resident Simon-Bob Williams told us.

“I can produce almost a gallon a day using a traditional Iroquois technique, which I’ll sell to discerning customers in hand-thrown pottery jerrycans for only a hundred and forty dollars.”

“I’ll also offer lovingly-distilled Diesel and hydrogen sulphide derivatives through a boutique pop-up gas station at music festivals.”

Although the fuel will be chemically indistinguishable from the usual product, Simon-Bob is quick to assure customers that Gaia will understand the difference between his efforts and the ‘old-fashioned slop churned out of a factory by hollow-eyed drones just up the road’.

The group see no reason why organisations like theirs cannot make a sizeable contribution to solving the global energy crisis.

The startup has already raised in excess of eight billion dollars in venture capital from people with considerably more money than sense.

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