Friday 6 November 2015 by Neil Tollfree

MI5 expect to be able help you find your keys by 2020


MI5 to find lost keys

MI5 is planning to amass such a vast amount of information about the UK population that it is expected by 2020 it will know where your keys are when you lose them.

“Well, by the end of next year we’re going to know your masturbatory habits and the pop stars you like as opposed to the ones you tell people you like,” said MI5 chief Andrew Parker.

“Then over the coming years, we’ll have the location tags, the auto-stool samplers, and the shower-cams installed.”

In a near-future where the Government knows exactly where you are and what you are doing at all times, you will simply be able to look into the close circuit camera that dominates your living room and say ‘Big Brother, where are my keys?’  – and within seconds a security operative will crash through the front door and point you in the right direction.

Despite the clear benefits of living in one of the world’s most intrusive regimes, some people have expressed concern at the amount of time, technology and money being spent to allow a Government to spy on it’s own population.

“Oh, it’s not all for spying,” continued Parker.

“The shower-cams are just for fun.”

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