Wednesday 4 November 2015 by DavyWavy

Security services demand legal right to access your porn cache


Porn cache

Britain’s security services have insisted that checking your porn history is totally a matter of vital national security today.

To support their claim they have pointed out that supporters of ISIS watch a lot of smut because they’re complete wankers.

The nation’s spies, who spend a lot of time on computers and don’t get out a great deal, are seeking to convince the government that it is vital they have the authority to check out those pictures of your ex on your phone without asking first, and to store them “for as long as they may be needed”, which is likely to be at least several minutes.

“Plus the use of ‘big data’ techniques can throw up all kinds of odd correlations,” an anonymous MI6 source told us.

“Did you know that during the last election, more than 80% of searches for ‘Milf’ referred to Ed Miliband? Gave us quite a surprise that did.”

“Not much use in combating ISIS I know, but you never know what else we might turn up.”

“Anyway, you can trust us with your data or my name isn’t Simon Williams. Shit. Shit shit shit. Is that thing on?”

However, critics of the request have pointed out that terror organisations are moving to ‘low-tech’ onanism solutions to evade tracking, with a significant black market of back issues of Razzle and Fiesta emerging in the Middle East and Afghanistan in recent months.

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