Monday 2 November 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Unimaginative employees name ‘Money’ as top motivator


Unhappy worker

Employees at an office have said that their monthly salary is the thing that inspires them most.

The workers at Bastard & Co. Office Supplies were given an internal questionnaire, asking whether they were more motivated by strong leadership, the challenge of business, or the will to succeed.

“And they all made a new tick-box labelled ‘money’ and put a tick in it” said CEO, Malcolm Bastard.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with these people. Money should never be the main reason to come to work.”

Office Manager, Simon Williams, said “Actually, money is the only reason to come to work.”

“Yesterday we had an hour-long meeting to establish why stapler sales had fallen by 12% this quarter. If anyone can think of a more soul-destroying diary entry than that, then you have my deepest sympathy.”

“Then there’s the staff. They’re all awful, and some of them are into football. I hate every last one of them and would poison them all if I thought I could get away with it.”

“My slightly-above-national-average salary allows me to buy alcohol, and that is the only thing keeping my murderous desires at bay.”

“So, yeah, more money, please.”

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