Islamic State claim responsibility for devastating start to Chelsea’s season

author avatar by 9 years ago

Islamic State have claimed responsibility for Chelsea’s catastrophic start to the Premier League campaign, according to reports.

An unverified statement purported to be from IS states the west London outfit’s atrocious form is not down to manager Jose Mourinho losing the dressing room, but a direct result of actions taken by militants affiliated with the terrorist organisation.

A spokesman for Islamic State – a West Ham fan who wished to remain nameless – said such a devastating shift in team performance could not have been orchestrated by one man alone.

He told reporters, “Sure it might appear that Jose Mourinho is solely responsible for a level of performance that would make a team of valium-addled sloths seem fleet of foot, but I assure you it is actually all the work of residents of the Islamic State caliphate.”

“These young men in Chelsea shirts were lured to follow a false idol in Mourinho, and to adopt the ways of the infidel.”

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“This made them ripe for conversion to our cause and our plan began with their first home defeat of the season.”

He went on, “The players have responded well to our methods, particularly John Terry who agreed to take multiple wives.”

“But only so long as they belonged to his teammates.”

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho rejected the claims by Islamic State, but also denied Chelsea’s fall from grace could be the fault of one man alone.

“IS – no, no, no, no,” he said.

‘Wait, they have a female doctor?’

“In that case it probably was their fault.”

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