Monday 2 November 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Britain brought to its knees by bits of cloud


Fog Small

Fog has arrived to fuck the whole of Britain.

Traffic jams and flight cancellations have been reported in large numbers following the descent of a little bit of mist.

“It’s been terrible” said Simon Williams, head of traffic.

“Drivers have been reporting less than 200 feet visibility, which obviously means driving at 30 miles an hour absolutely everywhere.”

“I daren’t even chance the roads today myself, which is why I’m working from home with some crisps.”

Fog is commonly known as the “fifth weather fuck-up”, right after snow, hail, torrential rain and unusually bright sunshine.

“I’m not sure why it’s affected the trains,” said commuter, Tracey Robinson.

“They’re literally on rails and they only go forward if someone miles ahead has confirmed the track is clear.”

“I would suggest it’s a mixture of incompetence and a lack of foresight, but I simply wouldn’t expect that from a British public transport system.”

A spokesperson for Network Rail said, “everything affects the trains.”

“Literally, everything. We once shut the entire route from London to Reading due to an unusually strong breeze.”

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