Friday 30 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

China to end one-child policy due to sweatshop labour shortage


Chinese Workers

China is to allow parents to spawn more children in an effort to bolster the national workforce.

David Cameron’s second-favourite country made the announcement following findings that factories and production lines are suffering from a distinct lack of children with tiny hands to do fast work.

“It is quiet around here,” said production line manager, Simon Williams, 8.

“A lot of my staff have either grown up, run away or died from exhaustion. It’s highly inconvenient.”

“I welcome this new announcement from our glorious government, in the same way I welcomed every announcement in the past, and will welcome every announcement in the future.”

“China is brilliant. Go China.”

The government will be taking additional measures to encourage families to have more children.

“We thought of putting sperm in the water supply” said government spokesperson, Malcolm Jarvis, “but then someone pointed out that probably wouldn’t lead to a lot of new babies, plus the process would be disgusting.”

“So we’re going to ban condoms instead. Banning things is more our style than wanking into a reservoir anyway.”

“It’s brilliant being us.”

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