Thursday 29 October 2015 by Tom Whalley

China to abandon one-child policy in hope it stops kids growing up so weird


Chinese one child policy

China has abandoned its one child policy after fears that future generations will continue being a bit weird and a little spoiled.

Experts believe that China has changed its policy due to a rapidly ageing population with not enough younger people to keep the economy growing.

However a spokesman for the Chinese Government told reporters that this was actually not the case.

“We’re a Communist country, but now we have an entire generation that has no idea how to share.”

“Also they seem to enjoy their own company a little too much. It’s disconcerting.”

Xang Chi Ping owns a chain of restaurants in China and he told reporters that the one child policy has had a negative effect on his workforce.

“Diners don’t like it when the waiters make them give the orders to an imaginary best friend who has been with the waiter since childhood.”

“We had one lad who had an bright pink imaginary Tiger for a best friend. I was ok with it until I employed a girl whose imaginary friend, she claimed, was a nice little deer.”

“I didn’t think anything of it until the tiger ripped the deer to pieces. The kitchen was absolutely ruined. It was an imaginary bloodbath in there.”

Fang and Cheng Xao are parents of a 7 year-old and we asked them if the change in the law would affect their family.

“Thank god for that, we’ll be having another one immediately. It’s been like living in The Shining at our house.”

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