Tuesday 27 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Chancellor reminds House of Lords that ‘accidents will happen’


George Osborne on House of Lords

George Osborne has told the House of Lords to watch their step over the next few days.

The Chancellor’s plan to cut tax credits and financially fuck hundreds of poor families into a tin hat was scuppered when the House of Lords voted to delay the plans for three years while the families are compensated.

“They’re entitled to their opinion, and of course I’ll listen,” said the Chancellor, stroking an enormous white cat in a darkened room.

“But voting against a motion that has already been passed in the House of Commons represents a significant constitutional challenge so the Prime Minister and I may have to make…arrangements.”

“I’d suggest they all be a little more careful when opening their post or starting their cars over the coming days.”

“Not for any sinister reason, you understand, but paper cuts and sprained wrists can be…deadly…”

Lord Simon Williams said “I might be wrong but I’m almost sure that was a threat to end me.”

“I think actually killing me might be a slight over-reaction to my selfish desire not to make poor people poorer.”

Osborne countered with “we’re not necessarily going to murder them.”

“We might just send them to the same island we sent Nick Clegg.”

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