Monday 26 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Doomed man plans to hand out fruit at Halloween


Halloween fresh fruit treats

A man has invited death to his doorstep by planning to hand out healthy alternatives to trick-or-treaters.

Simon Williams, a health-conscious 38 year-old man that you probably wouldn’t want to invite to a party, has grown increasingly concerned about the health of the kids in his neighbourhood.

“It’s just not ok,” said Williams, “some of these kids have fewer good teeth than a contestant on Jeremy Kyle.”

“Somebody needs to do something, and due to the kind of person I am, I’ve decided it should be me.”

“I will be handing out peaches, oranges and apples to the children at my doorstep, and I’m sure they will thank me in the long run if not immediately.”

Neighbour Susan Falmouth said “may God have mercy on his soul.”

“I’ve overheard what some of these kids have planned for ‘tricks’ this year and they would bring tears to the eyes of police officers, fire fighters and RSPCA officials everywhere.”

“Martin is going to see out Halloween nailed to his own front door with a peach shoved up his arse, you mark my words.”

“Mind you, it could happen to less annoying people and it’s going to make for a cracking front page of the local paper.”

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