Monday 26 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Boring man wins at cars


Lewis Hamilton Formula One World Champion third time

A dull human has proven himself the best at making cars go round and round really fast.

Lewis Hamilton has remained incredibly dull for most of his Formula One career, despite shagging Nicole Scherzinger for a lot of the time.

“Lewis is incredibly excited” said spokesperson Simon Williams, “at least I assume he is; he told me he was. You can’t really tell by his face.”

“We are all in awe of Lewis’ ultimately redundant ability to press pedals and turn a wheel at just the right moment; I mean it’s not as brilliant at being a firefighter, obviously, but for some reason this pays an awful lot more.”

“He will be available for interviews later, if anyone is struggling with their sleep at the moment.”

“Not for too long though, he’s keen to be home for 8:30pm.”

Lewis Hamilton has tied with another presumably dull man at being the best at driving cars around a wonky circle, having won the big shiny cup thing and wasting a lot of very expensive champagne three times.

“Yeah, it’s alright,” shrugged Hamilton.

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