Tuesday 20 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Chime of Big Ben to be replaced by Queen going ‘Ahem’


Big Ben repairs

The reassuring sound of the Queen clearing her throat is to replace the bongs of Big Ben while the clock is down for repairs.

The ridiculously big time-piece is undergoing repairs that are expected to take around three months, during which time the Queen’s polite request for your attention will ring out across London.

“I can’t think of anything more Goddamned British than that,” grinned Arthur Gower, Head of Big Ben.

“Not only will it sound brilliant, but when the Queen clears her throat, you pretty much have to pay attention or you get shot, unless I’ve massively misunderstood our constitution.”

London citizens were sceptical following the announcement, as per usual.

“My wife smokes 40 a day, so I have enough of an old lady coughing as it is,” said Simon Williams, a London resident.

“I’d rather they replace it with something less annoying but equally British, like the sound of a football crowd after a missed penalty, or someone tutting after someone fails to queue correctly.”

“Or the sound of my wife leaving for work, that always makes me happy.”

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