Monday 19 October 2015 by Neil Tollfree

George Osborne unable to understand why humans cry


George Osborne

Chancellor and completely normal human being George Osborne has been left confused by Michelle Dorrell’s tearful rebuke to the Tories on Question Time.

“The human female appears to be leaking H20 with trace amounts of sodium from her ocular cavities,” said Mr Osborne, tilting his head to the side and blinking repeatedly.

“What is the purpose of this function?”

Explaining that she was upset over plans to cut her tax credits that would leave her and her family destitute did not appear to help.

“The restructuring of the benefit known as ‘Tax credit’ will result in an expected 6.348% increase in administrative efficiency over twenty earth-years, surely this should be a cause of what humans refer to as joy?” He continued, idly restructuring the atoms in a biro using only his mind.

“You are a curious species.”

He then left the briefing, hovering 6 inches from the floor.

Mr Osborne, like several other key Tories, has been forced to deny on several occasions that he is some sort of inhuman monster due to policies such as the spare bedroom tax, restructuring disability benefits and experimenting on orphans in order to extend the capacity of Tories to ‘rule over the mongrel race known as humanity.’

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