Monday 19 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Bishops demanding ‘compassion’ from government asked if they’ve ever met the government


Church

A load of Bishops appear to have lost their minds, according to reports this morning.

82 holy dress-wearers wrote to the Conservative government asking them to maybe be a bit Christ-like and take a helpful amount of refugees, rather than the few dozen currently planned.

“Oh how we laughed,” confirmed Conservative spokesperson, Tom Watts.

“We had to look up ‘compassion’, for a start. Most of us thought it was a kind of exotic fruit.”

“This is the government of benefit-slashing, low-income-family-fucking, smug-grinning posh bastards. Which part of your wine-addled brains thought we would give more shits about this than is absolutely, minimally necessary?”

The government has committed to taking in 20,000 refugees over the next four years, which is either “too bloody many” or “not bloody good enough”, depending on which pub you’re in.

“You’re lucky we read the letter, to be honest,” said Watts.

“We only opened it as we thought it was our copy of Twat Magazine.”

The 82 bishops have now decided to focus on more realistic targets, and have written to Kanye West to ask if he could perhaps make some decent music.

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