Monday 19 October 2015 by Lucas Wilde

Amazon to sue anyone who left a positive review for ‘Twilight’


Amazon reviews for Twilight

Online retail giant, Amazon, is suing anyone who gave 3 or more stars to the Vampiric crap-fest known as ‘Twilight’.

Amazon put two and two together as it came to light that individuals were being paid to give positive reviews for products they hadn’t necessarily tried but raved about anyway.

“We’ve all been duped,” confessed Richard White, Amazon’s Head of Reviews.

“Here we were thinking that the Twilight series was a fine work of prose, then blindly buying the thing following reviews that stated as such.”

“But it turns out that they are clunkily written sub-Buffy plots with characters you’d rather burn to death than emotionally invest in.”

“The 14,512 people who left good reviews for these literary turds should expect a summons any day now, and to be honest the fact that most of these criminals are 12 years-old speaks volumes about the lack of responsible parenting in this country.”

Other reviewers due in court include anyone who claimed to enjoy Transformers: Dark of the Moon or anyone who claims they “just can’t stop using” any foot spa you care to name.

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