Friday 16 October 2015

Man successfully reads entire Daily Mail after lobotomy


Lobotimised man reads Daily Mail

Scientists were celebrating today after experiments proved that it is possible to actually read the whole of the Daily Mail, but only if the subject has been lobotomised.

“We know that most people who buy the Daily Mail are only really capable of looking at the pictures,” said Professor of awful things and world expert on the Daily Mail, Mark Hammond.

“Some of the higher functioning Daily Mail readership are able to read some of the shorter headlines, but only if they silently mouth the words.”

“But we wanted to see if there was any way for someone to actually read the whole of the Daily Mail – words and pictures, cover to cover.”

The team tried a number of methods before settling on the lobotomy.

“Yes, we started with a simple threat. We held a gun to the subject’s head, but that got us nowhere, the subject hadn’t even finished the second page before begging for a bullet.”

Researchers eventually moved on to more extreme methods.

“We kidnapped the subject’s family. That got us further. The subject made it as far as an opinion piece on the gay lifestyle causing potholes on the nation’s roads before he gave his family up for death.”

Hypnotism proved equally fruitless.

“No, it seems that even the subconscious mind is incapable of dealing with Jay Moir’s position that immigration causes Aids and increased lion attacks.”

Finally, the breakthrough came when mild-mannered subject Simon Williams agreed to a full frontal lobotomy.

“It worked, he sat quietly, read the whole thing and declared it to be sensible and fascinating before soiling himself and playing quietly with the results.”

“And he still managed to create the most coherent reader comment on the Daily Mail website.”

The conclusion being that it is possible to read, and even enjoy the Daily Mail, but only if a large part of your brain is removed.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)

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