Thursday 15 October 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Apostrophe misuse sparks riots and civil unrest across England


Grammar riots

Riots and civil unrest erupted across the country last night, seemingly over the misuse of an apostrophe.

“I’m sorry, but there’s only so much a man can take,” said Professor of pedantry at Essex University, Stephen Emmsworth.

“I simply couldn’t control my own actions. One moment, I was having a pleasant drive with my wife, then I saw the sign and the next thing I knew, I’d piled into some Old Bill, put the window through at Dixons and was loading the Beemer up with flat-screens.”

The sign in question was for new Chelmsford bakery “Simon Williams Cake’s and Fancy Good’s” and has sparked the worst unrest since the Tottenham riots of 2010.

“We’ve lost Chelmsford, I mean, that’s just gone. It’s now under mob rule and officially a no-go area,” said Police chief Desmond Rowe.

“We know there are grammar lynchings going on, but we simply can’t go in. The risk to the safety of my officers is just too high.”

As word spread throughout the country, the unrest increased.

In Brighton, the chants of ‘possessive or indicative of missing letters!’ echoed along the seafront, before fights broke out with another group chanting ‘Also used in the structure of unusual words!’.

In Tunbridge Wells, all books except ‘Eat Shoots and Leaves’ were burnt in a huge pyre surrounded by dancing protesters.

Meanwhile, in Birmingham, Pop group Slade were chased through the streets for missing the apostrophe from “Mama, Weer All Crazee Now”.

Police are concerned that the unrest won’t stop until the complete eradication of the misuse of apostrophe’s.

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