Friday 9 October 2015 by Gary Stanton

Britain shocked as Bake Off winner fails to launch Jihad


Bake off winner 2015

The Great British public were left speechless this morning after the muslim winner of Bake Off entered her third victorious day without blowing anything up.

Talented baker, Nadiya Hussain, stormed to victory in Wednesday’s sixty minute final episode, which sought in no way to undermine Western values.

The 30 year-old, Luton-based mother of two, was also voted Star Baker on two occasions, after anxious Bake Off host Mary Berry asked her to clarify her stance on beheadings.

Hussain, meanwhile, confirmed to worried Bake Off viewers that her winning mixture contained 6lbs of sugar, 6lbs of flour and absolutely no Semtex.

The show is no stranger to controversy and previous contestant, Miriam White, was forced to leave the show after blaming the collapse of her soufflé on Polish builders.

Aryan cake fan, Simon Williams, blamed a loonie left BBC conspiracy for the fact that Hussain’s cake tasted marginally better than the indigenous recipes.

“Nadiya Hussain? The clue is in the name. Are we supposed to believe she was sat at home, innocently beating eggs, while her dictator husband was systematically gassing the Kurds?”

Hussain added, ‘The pièce de resistance was the unusual creamy filling I found on a recent shopping trip to Syria.”

“I’m joking, you twat – I bought it in Morrisons.”

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