Wednesday 7 October 2015 by Neil Tollfree

Shoreditch coffee shop disappears up owner’s arse


Shoreditch coffee shop owner

‘Nordic Aspiration’, a well-known coffee shop in Shoreditch last night disappeared up the arse of owner Simon Williams.

Witnesses first noticed something was wrong during a special late night acoustic performance from local thrashfore/bangra fusion group ‘My Bovine Regicide.’

“Yeah, so, Si, yeah? He’d just made some artisan heroin and cobweb frittata yeah?” said a vastly bearded person of indeterminate gender.

“When you felt this shaking, yeah? Then, yeah? All of a sudden, Si’s prized authentic 16th century Tibetan milk frother, yeah? It just sort of pinged across the room to Si’s arse. Then there was this ripping sound, yeah? As his vintage tight checked trousers came apart and the frother just sort of disappeared up inside him.”

Immediately the three people who’d been enjoying the entertainment evacuated as the entire building came apart and disappeared right up into Mr Williams’ arse.

Experts have claimed that the coffee shop simply became too wanky for the building to maintain its own structure.

“The problem probably first started when Mr Williams wrote a four page tasting note on an espresso bean grown in a cave under the Brazilian rainforest,” said John Greene, Professor of Wank at Keele University.

“I mean, modern buildings simply cannot cope with that level of wankiness.”

Ironically, the disappearance of the shop up Mr Williams’ arse has revealed a storeroom that was just full of Nescafe.

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